No valley is too deep for Christ’s light to illumine. Keith and I’s summer speaks to this. In early July, I miscarried our 2nd child. Nothing can prepare you for the pain that comes along with a loss of a child. I felt so paralyzed and confused. So many hopes crushed. So much joy that turns into pain, and yet, the Lord has taken our hands and walked slowly. He’s counted our tears (Psalm 56:7) and replaced them with joy and peace. He’s sustained my life, even when my body seemed like it was shutting down.
The following months have been some of the most difficult of my life. The emotional healing is coming slowly as I have had very little physical energy to spend processing and healing. When I feel weak and overwhelmed, it’s good to think about how far I’ve come. At my worst I couldn’t even lift my head without blacking out. My body went into shock and I needed a blood transfusion. It’s been many many weeks of slowly building back and sometimes feeling like I was sitting on the “sidelines” of life. The reality though is that these weren’t the sidelines. This was God’s calling for me this summer. He has a plan for my life, a good plan, and this was part of it. He is showing me, once again, that living in a place of complete dependence on Him, is a blessed place to be. His word has sustained my soul and granted light and peace when things felt out of control. Through blackouts, sorrow, weakness, confusion, anxiety attacks, daily migraines, insomnia, grief, shortness of breath, and fear, the Lord has showed me His faithfulness and given me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 91 has been my daily, some times hourly, meditation. This verse in particular has comforted me continuously in my battle. Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge” Every night, I laid down with the vision of His feathers covering me. What comfort in such a time of need!
As I slowly begin the ascent out of this valley I’ve been able to more clearly reflect. To more clearly see how and where His light was illuminating the path and giving glimmers of hope in the darkness. Here is my song, Psalm 40:1-3
“ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.”