Gripped by fear or dwelling in His house?

As my due date approaches, I’ve found myself in a constant battle of putting off sin.  I’ve allowed myself at times to be gripped by fear, and it hasn’t been pretty.  The months following Lillian’s birth were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced.  My body felt as if it was shutting down and it was really scary.  My emotions were all over the place and I found myself often feeling a sense of despair.  Here I was with this precious gift from God, my little girl, and in a sense felt like the early weeks/months were a whirlwind of pure survival.  I realize every mom experiences “survival mode” and emotions that don’t make sense, but this was so intense that I often have to run to the Lord with the thoughts and feelings that accompanied this time of great trial.

As I approach another delivery, the battle has begun.  Will I trust the Lord and His plan for me?  Will I trust that even the most difficult of days are for my good?  In a sense I feel badly that I even have this battle.  After losing a precious child to a miscarriage last summer it seems almost ridiculous to be approaching this season with anything but joy and thanksgiving – yet, the reality that my body may not respond well is so real and feels so near.

I’ve been trying to prep my heart and mind for this season.  Listing out verses of truth to fight the lies that will try to creep in and arming myself with songs to make my meditation.  One thing that’s come out of these efforts, as of late, is the realization that the answer to fear and anxiety is immediately turning to God in prayer.  It seems so simple, yet I so often dwell on my fears first, not bow in prayer.  Phil. 4:6 has been ringing in my heart, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Will you pray for me that I will trust my loving, faithful God and quickly turn to Him in everything?  Over the next few weeks/months I’d love to hear (through comments or personal emails) verses/songs of comfort, courage, truth, peace that will help draw my heart and mind to where they are called to be, humbly bowing before my Savior in complete trust.

Psalm 27

^“1 The Lord is my light and my salvation —
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against me
    to devourme,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face! ”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.”

 

A Prayer Vocabulary

Recently, after posting about prayer and faith, a sweet friend sent me this article, by Nancy Guthrie.  I found the article really helpful and straightforward.  I love how she gives specific examples from Scripture as to how we are called to pray. 

I’ve benefited greatly from Nancy Guthrie’s writing ministry.  She’s known much grief in this life and compassionately and boldly points her readers to the Gospel.  Here are a few books I’ve benefited from, but have definitely not exhausted her materials!

“Be Still My Soul: Embracing God’s Purpose and Provision in Suffering”

“Jesus, Keep me near the cross: Experiencing the Passion and Power of Easter”

“Come Thou Long Expected Jesus: Experiencing the Peace and Promise of Christmas”

Hopeful future reading of Guthrie’s: 

I just ordered this one today:  “HOPE: The one year book of Hope”

“Holding onto Hope: A pathway through suffering to the heart of God”

“O love that will not let me go: Facing death with courageous confidence in God”

It’s a girl!!

So sorry for the delay!  We’ve been busy!  I’ll post some Easter Pictures and pic’s from Lillian’s 3rd Birthday party soon as well.  First things first though, we’re excited to announce that we’re having another girl!  So thankful that all is looking good with this sweet baby so far.  Praising the Lord for His many blessings to us!

Joni Eareckson Tada – Encouragement to persevere!

I just listened to this update from Joni today and was so encouraged and challenged.  There’s something so amazingly powerful when I see the Lord carry His children through trials that seem too big to bear.  She is certainly bringing the Lord glory in her suffering!  Check it out, by clicking here. 

“Nothing deflates the devil more than when God’s people choose the Lord over fear and doubts, when they choose there Saviour over affliction and pain.” ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Psalm 72:12-13

  “For he will deliver the needy who cry out,
   the afflicted who have no one to help.
   He will take pity on the weak and the needy
   and save the needy from death.”

 

Blessed ~ another Goad on the way!

I just realized that I haven’t announced our exciting news.  The Lord, in His mercy, has blessed us with another child!  After going through a miscarriage this summer, my perspective has certainly been different.  By God’s grace I’ve been able to view each week (especially early on) as a gift from God.  I’ve realized that sometimes, although extremely painful, we are given children just for a short moment.  The Lord, again in His mercy, has kept my heart soft (a specific answer to prayer!!!) and has allowed me to focus on His goodness – including His good plan for me.  All of these things are God’s grace and work as my sinful heart’s inclination is to draw inward and focus on anything but Truth and light.

I am now 21 weeks and we hope to find out on Friday if it’s a boy or girl.  Lillian is ecstatic!!  She talks to baby all day long and it’s the sweetest thing!

I have been reminded that pregnancy, even this blessed state, is full of physical and emotional challenges.  I’m all of the sudden a moody person (a big adjustment for me) who’s even more tired and weary than usual.  I seem to battle migraines much more frequently during pregnancy as well (this seems to be common).  I often feel weary.  Thankfully, this time it’s a little easier to view pregnancy as a season that will have a joyful end…it’s just a bit more tangible after going through this before.

A sweet friend of mine, just this morning, sent me this quote about the season of pregnancy.  How freeing and timely.  The Lord knows just what we need!!  Even, a timely note from a friend.  =)

“My dearest daughter, we must not be unjust and require from ourselves what is not in ourselves….The child who is taking shape in your womb will be a living image of the divine majesty, but while your soul, strength and your natural vigor is occupied with this work or pregnancy, it must grow weary and tired and you cannot at the same time perform your ordinary (spiritual) exercises so actively and so gaily.  But suffer lovingly this lassitude and heaviness, in consideration of the honor that God will receive from your work” ~ Gary Thomas, Sacred Parenting

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

An encouraging song

I’ve been enjoying this song lately.  Simple, honest, full of Truth.  Listen Here

JJ Heller – “Your Hands”

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

Asking for healing?

I found this sermon, by Kevin DeYoung really challenging and convicting as I’ve been convicted lately that I’m lacking in faith.  I’ve been wondering if the root of my lack of faith is the sin of unbelief.  It’s not that I don’t truly believe that the Lord can heal me, because of course when it comes down to it, I believe He is all powerful and able.  On the other hand, it seems that unbelief kind of creeps in and manifests itself in unexpected ways.  After 9 years of living with extreme fatigue, dizziness, etc., I’ve just gotten used to the trial before me and I forget to pray and ask for God’s healing.  I face each day, prayerfully relying on the Lord’s strength to get me through.  In a sense I’m more reliant than a healthy person because I carry around with me a constant reminder that I need help from my powerful God just to complete basic daily tasks.  Oddly enough, when someone is acutely sick, I am quick to pray for God’s healing hand to be about that person.  Honestly, I rarely think to pray for complete healing for myself anymore.

Early on in this battle the Lord began to graciously show me that I could find complete contentment in Him, no matter my circumstances.  I could either embrace my lot and seek to glorify God in the midst, or I could become embittered and frustrated, letting my circumstances rule my life.  By God’s grace, I’ve, for the most part, chosen the first way.  Maybe in a way I’ve grown too comfortable in this trial.  I wonder if I don’t ask for healing because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. If I’m battling hard for contentment and (usually) winning the battle, why upset things by dwelling on healing?  On the other hand, I think I am called to ask my Father for good gifts and to believe that He indeed can heal me.  It may not be His will to heal me, and I must prepare my heart for this, but receiving a possible “no” as an answer shouldn’t keep me from asking.  It is good and right for me to be asking the Lord continually for healing.  He desires to give good gifts to His children!  I think this is one way where disbelief has certainly crept in, do I truly believe this?

I wonder how many of you wrestle with some of these thoughts/battles?  How do you strike a balance of good desires and asking for good gifts while at the same time humbly submitting to the Lord’s will in all things?

If you’ve wrestled with any of these thoughts, I’d encourage you to listen to this sermon by Kevin DeYoung.  I think it will encourage your heart and you may even find yourself bringing your requests before the Lord with a sense of urgency and confidence!

Matthew 7:7-11

  ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.    ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

Hindered, or not?

Tonight as I re-read a chapter and poem by Amy Carmichael, I began to think.  My reality is that my illness prevents me from doing so many things on this earth.  Things I used to love to do (run, snow ski, hike…) and things I’d love to try or adventures I’d love to go on with our family.  Although these realities are difficult, and often bring about a sinful battle for contentment, I’m thankful that my weakness doesn’t impair the ability to fulfill my calling (my sin surely does, but that’s for another blog post!).  My single purpose and goal in life is to bring my Savior glory.  What a relief!!  In God’s kingdom, the one that truly matters, my frailty isn’t a hindrance to living the life that I’m called to live.

“A bruised reed shall He not break: the poorest shepherd boy on our South Indian hills is careful to choose, for the making of his flute, a reed that is straight and fine and quite unbruised.  But our Heavenly Shepherd often takes the broken and the bruised, and of such He makes His flutes.  But life, like His book, is full of parables of tenderness; and one of these has often come into this room of late.  For he whose name means God’s Peace has brought his autoharp to play to me, and has first tuned it while I expectantly waited for the music which I knew would follow the tuning. 

    Is music to come from our harp?  Music of prayer, of praise, of consolation?  The strings are relaxed, or perhaps too tensely stretched.  Illness can cause either condition.  But we have a Tuner.

Tune Thou my harp;
There is not, Lord, could never be,
The skill in me.

Tune Thou my harp,
That it may play Thy melody,
Thy harmony.

Tune Thou my harp;
O Spirit, breathe Thy thought through me,
As pleaseth Thee.”  ~Amy Carmichael, “Rose from Briar

2 Cor. 12:9  “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

“Rose from Brier” ~ Amy Carmichael

This summer, a sweet friend from church handed me a book she thought might bring me encouragement.  She hadn’t read it, but trusting the author proceeded to lend it to me.  Oh what a little blessing this book is!!  The book is a compilation of journal entries by Amy Carmichael,  written as she was bed bound by pain and suffering.  The reflections are honest, and her perspective is more than refreshing.  Always going back to the cross of Christ to find her comfort and happiness.  I’m looking forward to posting some of my favorite parts from the book.  Here’s a poem written by Amy that I read tonight (sadly I’m almost done with the book!)

Winter

  “When my leaves fall wilt Thou encompass them?
The gold of autumn flown, the bare branch brown,
The brittle twig and stem,
The tired leaves dropping down,
Wilt Thou encompass that which men call dead?
I see the rain, the coldly smothering snow,
My leaves dispirited,
Lie very low.

So the heart questioneth, white Winter near;
Till jocund as the glorious voice of Spring
Cometh His, “Do not fear,
But sing, rejoice and sing,
For sheltered by the coverlet of snow
Are secrets of delight, and there shall be
Uprising that shall show
All that through Winter I prepared for thee.”

~Amy Carmichael, “Rose from Brier”

What if trials in this life are God’s mercies in disguise?

Have you heard this song called “Blessings” by Laura Story?  I’ve been so encouraged by it for months now and realized today that I’ve not posted it here.  Here’s a link.

Reliant

I’ve been super tired lately, even more than usual.  The kind of fatigue where you find yourself staring because anything else involves too much energy.  It’s been a good time to reflect on heaven, the new body I have to look forward to, and most of all to the peace of being in the Lord’s presence.

One of most difficult symptoms I deal with is shortness of breath.  There’s really nothing like the feeling of not having enough air.  This certainly keeps me very reliant on the Lord for peace and perspective.  Keith’s sermon today was such a great reminder that I already have everything I need.  Health is not a need.  Breath is really not even a need.  The Gospel is all I truly need.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

^“ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

No valley is too deep

No valley is too deep for Christ’s light to illumine.  Keith and I’s summer speaks to this.  In early July, I miscarried our 2nd child.  Nothing can prepare you for the pain that comes along with a loss of a child.  I felt so paralyzed and confused.  So many hopes crushed.  So much joy that turns into pain, and yet, the Lord has taken our hands and walked slowly.  He’s counted our tears (Psalm 56:7) and replaced them with joy and peace.  He’s sustained my life, even when my body seemed like it was shutting down.

The following months have been some of the most difficult of my life.  The emotional healing is coming slowly as I have had very little physical energy to spend processing and healing.  When I feel weak and overwhelmed, it’s good to think about how far I’ve come.  At my worst I couldn’t even lift my head without blacking out.  My body went into shock and I needed a blood transfusion.  It’s been many many weeks of slowly building back and sometimes feeling like I was sitting on the “sidelines” of life.  The reality though is that these weren’t the sidelines.  This was God’s calling for me this summer.  He has a plan for my life, a good plan, and this was part of it.  He is showing me, once again, that living in a place of complete dependence on Him, is a blessed place to be.  His word has sustained my soul and granted light and peace when things felt out of control.  Through blackouts, sorrow, weakness, confusion, anxiety attacks, daily migraines, insomnia, grief, shortness of breath, and fear, the Lord has showed me His faithfulness and given me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 91 has been my daily, some times hourly, meditation.  This verse in particular has comforted me continuously in my battle.  Psalm 91:4  “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge”  Every night, I laid down with the vision of His feathers covering me.  What comfort in such a time of need!

As I slowly begin the ascent out of this valley I’ve been able to more clearly reflect.  To more clearly see how and where His light was illuminating the path and giving glimmers of hope in the darkness.  Here is my song, Psalm 40:1-3

 ^“ I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
  he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
  He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.”

Blogging Break – Trials

If you haven’t noticed I’ve taken quite a break from blogging.  Sometimes the circumstances of life are too intense to put into words.  Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s good to write publicly about life’s most difficult trials.  Sometimes I go through trials and although I want to tell others about them, I just don’t know where to start.  This is where I’ve been.  The Lord has been so good and so near and I’m looking forward to writing more about His goodness!

Psalm 25:8-10

“Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.  He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.  All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.”

Summer Snapshots

Kristen’s Testimony – “A Deeper Need”

One way I have seen the grace of the Lord poured out on me while facing trials is by surrounding me with faithful followers of Christ who have been examples of perseverance in hardship. My friend, Kristen, is one of these sweet friends. The Lord allowed us to meet through the POTS website (dinet.org) that I am a part of and the Lord has used her emails, blogs, and prayers to greatly encourage me and to draw me closer to Himself. Kristen has suffered greatly and continues to persevere and hold to the precious promises of Scripture. I recently asked her to share her testimony to post here because I knew you would be greatly encouraged/challenged by her testimony, as I have been.

A Deeper Need

       “A question was asked at my Bible study tonight: When do you experience the most spiritual growth? Without pause, I piped up, “During hard times.”
I wish it wasn’t the case. When I am not in a trial, the last thing I want is to enter into one. When I’m currently enduring difficulty, it is very frustrating to think about growth when I just want relief.
But the truth is, God expresses his love for us by putting his followers in the furnace.
If you had asked me years ago whether I would like to endure a domino-like train of hardship, sending the carefully ordered tiles of my life flying into a pile of chaos, I would have adamantly declined. To think God would take me at 17 and not stop the trials even by age 30, I would have questioned how that shows love. Sometimes we can’t see God’s purposes from our frail vantage point, but we can be sure that his Word is true.
When I was 17, my family discovered that we had long-hidden water damage in the walls of our home. This water intrusion allowed toxic forms of mold to grow, and the toxins affected my health severely. By my senior year of high school, I could barely get out of bed. On the days I could struggle in to school, I sat in a foggy haze of disorientation. Something was wrong, but no one knew what it was. My pediatrician failed to take my symptoms seriously.
Thanks to my mother’s research and persistence, we obtained professional mold testing which revealed high levels of toxins and bacteria in our air, making the house completely uninhabitable. To make things worse, all of our possessions were contaminated as well, and almost everything had to be discarded.
The incredible material loss from this disaster was nothing compared to the emotional and physical impact of chronic illness which followed. I became acutely sensitive to chemicals in my environment that wouldn’t bother the average person. It was to the point where I had to leave my office job and abandon my first college after a semester of intense reactions to the pesticides used around campus.
These back-to-back losses put me in the position of commuting 50 minutes each way to an engineering school near home and facing the obstacles of completing a major when I could only tolerate being in a handful of classroom buildings. Being the weird girl was my new norm, and I had to work twice as hard to attend study sessions, plan my limited time on campus wisely, obtain some lectures via videotape, and work on assignments alone when others worked in groups or with a TA. When I finally graduated with my degree a year later than the rest of my class, I was already on my way to finishing graduate work and looked forward to a promising career.
It was then that my life began to fall apart even more. I started having more concerning physical symptoms that I tried to ignore, but when I passed out at church one morning, I never bounced back. I was diagnosed with POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) along with PDH (Postural Diastolic Hypotension). The cause was unknown, but I felt I had never fully recovered from the damage done by mold and pesticide exposures. A flu virus and stress had pushed my fragile body too far, and now I faced a long road to recovery.
I was not quick to embrace my new vulnerable position of waiting on God. I could no longer work, but I still tried, dragging myself in and feeling lightheaded and ill while I sat in meetings. When I finally passed out at work and was taken out on a gurney, it finally occurred to me that I was not going to be able to overcome this setback with sheer willpower and medication.
I sat at home with the wind knocked out of my sails. I had just turned 24. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t go to school. I had no guarantees about my prognosis, and I could barely get off the couch to go to the bathroom. It was soon after that when my family was suddenly victimized by a group of my grandfather’s caregivers who had been working for us. They stole from my grandparents and eventually from us too. Due to poor police response, this turned into long-term harassment and stalking.
I thought at the time that God would let up, but more obstacles and problems kept coming my way. My grandma had a stroke and developed severe dementia, requiring our full-time care here at home. My father’s anger issues escalated, causing my mother and me great pain and heartache. I wanted to get back to my focus of working, earning money, my career, and eventually marriage and having children. But when I realized that my dreams had been derailed, I had a choice to make. I could accept both good and hardship from God’s hand, or I could become bitter and conclude that a good God would not allow so much pain and loss to happen to his child for so long.
I struggled with the incongruity of God saying he loved me, yet not acting to relieve my intense pain. Trial upon trial drew out over multiple years, but my prayers for deliverance remained unanswered. I finally read a book by Larry Crabb called Shattered Dreams. Initially, I felt skeptical of the thesis – which is that God allows our dreams to shatter so that we can see that He is our ultimate dream.
However, the more I read of the book, the more I began to see that it was true in my own life. The whole time that I had been suffering, a longing was forming in me – for truth to prevail, for compassion from others, for a sense of justice, to see mercy extended to the hurting, and for healing to take place. I found myself gravitating toward people who had also suffered but who had courage and joy. I suddenly realized that my trials had created in me a strong appetite for the very characteristics of Jesus himself! It was a turning point in my life to find my shallow, earthly desires stripped away in order to lay bare my aching, penetrating need for Christ. I was a sinner who had been broken, and I found my Lord sitting by the well offering me the living water of forgiveness and love, rather than the dirty well water of earthly ease I had been convinced I needed for so long.
As I continue in my trials undelivered, I give thanks that God loved me enough to help me discover that my longings for success, approval, and pleasant earthly circumstances were symptoms of a deeper cry – a bigger wound – one that demands Christ and will never heal unless He is my focus and my first love. If you are in a trial – praying to God and still undelivered – take heart that you are a not alone. God is good all the time, and even in our most painful hours, we can count on Christ to carry us until that glorious day when all wrongs will be made right, when we will finally be with Him, the true and ultimate satisfaction of our souls.”
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, 
’He who is coming will come and will not delay.’”  Hebrews 10:35-37

Recent Snapshots…

“Blessed Be His Name”

While listening to one of my favorite Pandora stations this week

(the Sovereign Grace Music station) I came across this song that has encouraged me greatly.

Here’s the link – Just press the “play” button…

“Maker of the earth and sky
Ruler of the heavens
He whom death could not contain
Blessed be His name

Bring to him your troubled heart
Lay your cares before him
He has suffered every pain
Blessed be His name

Perfect and unchanging
Sinless son of man
Author of our simple faith
Blessed be His name

Constant through our darkest time
Stronger than our weakness
Bearer of our grief and shame
Blessed be His name

Humbly bow before him
Praise Him for His grace
Ever will his love remain
Blessed be His name

Present and abiding
Usher in his reign
With us through the end of days
Blessed be His name
Author of our growing faith
Blessed be His name”

My Testimony – The Lord is good!

I was recently asked to share my testimony at a women’s retreat at my church.  Although public speaking is not my thing I felt as if the Lord would have me to share of the great things he’s done in my life.  I thought I’d share it here as well.

I grew up in a loving, Christian home in Harrisonburg, VA.  Although we had our share of problems, my parents were faithful and taught me the Truth of the Gospel from an early age.  The Lord called me to Salvation at the age of 8 when I realized that my sin deserved God’s wrath and that a relationship with Jesus Christ was the only way to be reconciled to a Holy God.

The Lord continued to grow me into a passionate believer in my teenage years.  My greatest times of growth were when I stepped out from under the safety and comfort of my parents home (which I found difficult) and went on a 3 month missions trip at the age of 16 and then when I went away to college.  These challenging times were where I began to understand what it meant to rely on Christ.

The Lord used my college years at Liberty (where I majored in Vocal Music) to challenge and build me up in His word through a better knowledge of Scripture and through numerous Godly peers / professors He placed in my path.  I met Keith during my junior year in a New Testament backgrounds class.  I had been praying for and desired a husband who was full of passion for the Lord and along came this energetic, passionate, and spunky man who kept asking me to join his study group.  I’d like to say that my knowledge of Hellenistic kingdoms really caught his attention but his version is a little different (you’ll have to ask him for that).  Needless to say we were married the year following graduation and were off to seminary after being married a week.  We quickly adapted to life in Louisville, KY and were blessed with an amazing church family at Third Ave. Baptist church.

The plan was for me to help put Keith through seminary and I began working as an administrative assistant when things suddenly changed.  I came down with mono, an infection that most people fully recover from, but for me this wasn’t the case.  After a few months of intense fatigue and weakness, I began to black out while standing and noticed my heart rate was twice as fast as normal.  I tried to continue working but couldn’t.  I often felt in a fog and disconnected from my surroundings. After laying on the floor in the grocery store a couple of times we decided to see if something more was going on with my body. It was a scary time and definitely stressful being newlyweds and in a new city.  After numerous tests, we learned that the virus had damaged my autonomic nervous system and I was diagnosed with POTS syndrome, a form of Dysautonomia.  One difficulty of POTS is that people tell me I look rested and healthy but I’m usually feeling dizzy and fatigued.  While receiving a diagnosis was helpful, there is no cure.  A few medications improve a couple of the symptoms but it’s a condition that often causes major lifestyle changes.  Naps, water, salt and chairs became crucial tools to help me make it through the day without passing out.  This was an emotional time for Keith and I as everything we had been planning on was being turned upside down.

Many people with POTS improve greatly within 3-5 years of diagnosis, but apart from a miracle from the Lord, it’s looking more and more like this will be a lifelong battle for me.  I was never able to return back to work as basic tasks such as taking a shower or fixing dinner drained my energy and I continued to require daily naps.  We waited 7 long years hoping that I would improve enough to have children.  After that time we decided to step out in faith and rely on the brothers and sisters in Christ that the Lord surrounded us with to help us to care for a child if the Lord so blessed.  Praise God, He allowed this miracle in Lillian 2 years ago.  This September will mark 9 years of living with Dysautonomia and the Lord has worked in mighty ways.  I’d love to tell you about a few (5) of these:

1.        The first thing the Lord helped me to see is that I can bring Him glory even while resting.  Early on, I especially battled feelings of worthlessness and wondered how this could be the Lord’s plan.  Wouldn’t I bring Him more glory if I were full of energy and out doing things for Him?  I am slowly learning that the Lord is pleased with my trust in what He’s done for me, rather than what I do for Him.  I realized that if I submitted to His perfect plan for me and faced weakness with the correct attitude, that I could bring Him just as much glory.  This realization led to my next battle.

2.       I am called to Contentment.  I am thankful that I can bring the Lord glory but have had to go to battle with my sin in order to rest in His perfect plan for me.  Jeremiah Burroughs calls contentment the “inward submission of the heart.”  I have had many seasons where discontent has crept it’s way in my heart and I’m realizing this will be a lifelong battle.  One of the quickest ways to an unsettled soul and discontent is to compare myself to others.  I’m slowly learning that no good comes out of these comparisons.  Since I believe in the goodness of my Heavenly Father, I must also believe that His plan for me will ultimately bring about the most good.  As John 15 explains, His pruning will bear more fruit.

Although I couldn’t read for the first 3 years after my diagnosis, as my brain was just too foggy, in the Lord’s mercy I’ve been able to read again during most evenings.  In addition to Scripture, the Lord has used the writings of Jeremiah Burroughs and Jonathan Edwards to help show me where my heart should be.

3.  The 3rd way the Lord has changed me through this trial is by showing me that living in dependence is a blessed state.  I am forced to rely on my Father daily for the physical and Spiritual strength to persevere.  I now see this as God’s blessing as I am sure I would fall into prideful self-reliance if it weren’t for this trial.  I am amazed by the Lord’s loving hand in my life and how he protects His children.

4.  The 4th way the Lord has worked through this trial is I now see Heaven as my true home.  I used to actually fear Heaven and avoided thinking about its reality.  The Lord has miraculously turned my fears and hesitations about Heaven into a true daily longing and is helping me to live with more of an eternal perspective.

5.  The 5th way the Lord has worked is that He has used this to change and soften both Keith and I.  Keith is quick to tell people that the Lord has been working on him and making him more merciful during these years.  We believe that my illness was an instrument of God in equipping Keith to be a pastor.  We pray that our children will have an unusual sensitivity to those who are weak and that the Lord would even use this to draw them to Himself in Salvation.

It’s been difficult and will continue to be, but the Lord is faithful and has carried us through while comforting and giving us strength.  It is in His perfect promises that I am resting and finding the grace to persevere.  I pray that the Lord will in some way be glorified and that I will be found faithful to the end.  He is worthy!

Rewarding

Lillian just finally put together what “Thank You” means.  I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to give her something like a cup of milk and hear her say “thank” (as she says, along with the sign for it) without any prompting.  Yes, it probably took 2,000 times of me prompting her, but it is oh so rewarding!  =)

These pic’s are from last weekend when we went to the house of a family from church.  They’ve got tons of animals and even beagle puppies.  Lil is still talking about it!

The Birthday Girl

I’m finally getting around to posting some pictures of our sweet 2 year old.  Lillian’s Birthday was on Easter this year and was really special!  We are so thankful to the Lord for this precious gift!